Restarting
* journal personal nsfwNSFW, Unpublished. Classification: Personal/Pre-stabilization.
PREFACE
So basically I am going to a different place (not suicide yet haha) where nobody will know me except this one girl I probably should cut out of my life. But anyway I am going to a different school and everything, and this time I will not even bother humiliating myself like last time.
Sorry If you are mentioned in this story, I never meant to hurt you. Trigger warning for stuff. These are a couple stories that summarize my blunders. I will try to keep them in order.
Period One
At the start of my phase I was maybe really fun or something, I do not know, but I was actually a huge obnoxious prick and I did not know my place. I fought people, started arguments everywhere, and made myself more miserable. Honestly I was kind of the same my whole life. This quote speaks to me even if it is not really related.
It is a broken picture frame, but the photograph remains the same
I mocked these depressed guys and did not realize I would end up like them. I still hate those pricks. They made my life hell and they were not even depressed, they just wanted attention.
Then you wrap yourself in pity and pretend you are just as empty-handed and try to steal the empathy given to the poor. That is not misfortune. That is pride pretending to be pain.
Some people saw through my hate and said I was not giving hate for that nonbinary guy, I was giving depressed in denial. I was rude to the girl who understood me. It is what it is. Like everyone else, she hates me now.
Two
This part was probably the funniest era of my life. I met the people I used to mock for real and they hated me for good reason. On the first day some guy threw a desk at me. I was unharmed but the girl next to me got a concussion. I do not know why, but I was kind of happy she got hurt because she was a crying loser who was too sensitive. I feel like a dick for thinking that, but whatever.
The next month this guy picked me up and choked me inside class. Probably deserved since I said his friend had anger issues. Nobody cared because it was me. I told the principal and she started seeing through my bullshit and told me to stop triggering these things or learn to fight back. I learned lots of martial arts but my loser self could never stay longer than three months in anything, so I just know basic theory. I work out now. Maybe I can still win fights.
Extra
This was absolute cinema. The nonbinary kid I mentioned earlier, I did not like him and he did not like me, but halfway through I started thinking he was decent. I was just pretending to hate him for drama and attention because I am a thirsty attention whore.
The guy who threw the desk, the guy who choked me, and some others were talking about checking whether he was male or female. We all knew he was male. I was with them probably to fit in because I had no friends.
They decided to chase him and try to grab his genitals. I watched and when someone said they should stop, I also said they should stop and that there were other ways to find out biological gender. Kind of transphobic or something, I do not care.
I got suspended for 6 days. Actually it was 20 at first but the principal changed it to 6. The whole thing was hilarious. When I came back everyone thought I was a sexual predator and those two kids got expelled. The attention was fun or something, I do not remember.
Three
After all that I went to a new school because no way I was staying there. At the new place I stopped being a dickhead and turned into something closer to the pathetic mess I am now. I repeated myself all the time, was quiet, but I was happy and did not worry about anything. I thought I was smart instead of someone who just regurgitates information.
But the mirror never lies
I was not smart at all. Everyone thought I was smart but obviously I was not. I failed at simple things. You are either smart or not. There is no kind of smart. Writing long and organized does not mean you are smart, it just means you are wasting effort. If you do not write like that naturally, there is no point. You should embrace your stupid chaotic pose.
Every time I did something basic people said Nice [my name] which hurt but I could not tell them to stop because I was finally getting noticed. They acted like I cured cancer because the bar was so low for me. They treated me like a dog and I will hate them for that.
Four
This part was kind of sad maybe, I do not know. It is where I am now. Someone took pity on me and became my friend. Everyone looked down on me. Maybe they sensed how deranged I was. This guy tried to fix and train me. He pressured me to stay after school to play soccer with his friends and I humiliated myself.
I only talked to him and not anyone else because like I said, I cannot talk or write or anything. He yelled at me over the smallest mistakes and called me all sorts of names. He ignored my boundaries and called me racial slurs. Eventually he started slapping my ass and said I deserved it. It became normal and other guys slapped my ass too.
Night
One night I felt pretty bad so I tried coping methods. I started writing personal stuff on a blog and I was researching suicide attempts like a loser. I tried to kill myself by cutting my wrists but it was too shallow. I was bleeding and I liked the bleeding so I cut my arms more.
My friend found out and said dude you cut yourself hahahaha. I missed the chance to tell him he was the reason. He told the whole class and the girl I liked said:
Are those scars there because you tried to kill yourself hahaha That is not ok please get help
Sympathy never lasts. The next time she said:
You are a terrible liar. I know you cut yourself and I hope you cut deeper next time.
I never embraced my nature then. I just hid it.
Later I tried underage drinking because I thought it would help. It did nothing.
Down
One time I was playing volleyball and my friend slapped my ass after I made a mistake. I did not fight back. Then a stranger slapped my ass and I tackled him to the grass. Everyone said what are you doing you faggot. They did not realize pinning someone to the floor is a thing. They said I was overreacting.
A few weeks later I told that guy to clean up his locker area because his bag was outside with crumbs in front of my locker. Everyone said it was none of my business. They did not understand that once it was in front of my locker it became my business.
The janitor moved his bag inside. He blamed me and slapped my ass again so I tackled him and put him in a chokehold.
It was a private school so nothing bad happened. I got a warning. And I finally became someone again. People thought I was dangerous. Someone said that was the first time they saw me be serious which got me off instantly. Nobody ever took me seriously before. Even when I asked my friend to stop calling me slurs or hitting me they laughed.
I needed to commit a crime to be taken seriously. After baseball practice I was carrying stuff and the girl I liked had the bat. My friend held me while she hit me with the bat. I still wanted her approval. I cut myself again but nobody saw. I carved her initials onto my skin.
Summer
After all this I was tired of my friend hitting me. I do not know why I tolerated it for so long. I still like the girl who hates me though.
Elsewhere
References
In my garden
Notes that link to this note (AKA backlinks).