Restarting
* journal personal nsfwNSFW, Unpublished. Classification: Personal/Pre-stabilization.
PREFACE
I will go to a different school. Nobody will recognize me except a former neighbor. I experienced severe isolation and self-harm. Events before this transition will be listed in chronological order
Period One
I initiated conflicts and crossed social boundaries. I fought people and started arguments frequently. My responses became less predictable.
It is a broken picture frame, but the photograph remains the same
I mocked people who identified as depressed. I dismissed their claims. Hostile interactions with them increased. My thinking became more chaotic.
Then you wrap yourself in pity and pretend you are just as empty-handed and try to steal the empathy given to the poor. That is not misfortune. That is pride pretending to be pain.
A woman said "You're not really giving 'I hate [redacted]', you're giving 'I'm depressed in denial'". I talked back to her with hostility. She cut contact with me.
Period Two
I graduated into middle school(7/8). When I first entered the classroom environment, a male classmate threw a desk at me. The girl sitting next to me was concussed and cried. I did not fight back.
We had a discussion on this event later. I stated: "[assailant] has anger issues". Another classmate lifted me from my seat and placed me in a headlock. This incident was reported to the principal with minimal response. I was told to 'stop instigating conflict or learn to fight back'. I began physical training, but would not train consistently.
Extra
A [nonbinary] peer was targeted by multiple students. A sexual violation was proposed: "We will [redacted]" . Multiple students were present. I was there and did not report this to the authorities. They acted as a group and grabbed his genitals. I issued a minimal objection: 'there are other ways to find someones gender!'
I was suspended for 20 days. After I came back, the duration was reduced to 6 days. Others were expelled. I was isolated from my peers.
My parents transferred me to a new school.
Three
I was transferred to a different school. This was a prior environment. I repeated myself frequently and spoke little. No distress was registered.
But the mirror never lies
I failed at simple tasks, but received positive reinforcement for minimal output. I did not advocate for the cessation of praise.
Four
Isolation increased. A male classmate(A) took initiated sustained contact. He spoke with correctional language. I was coerced into practicing soccer after school. I objected, but was ignored. I attempted to join classroom conversations, but was dismissed .I did not talk to others. My boundaries were frequently bypassed.
Boundary violations increased in frequency. He frequently initiated physical contact. He spanked me and others followed.
Night
Internal destabilization increased. I wrote my experiences on https://info.tweetor.org. I researched suicide methods on the interwebs.
One night, I made a shallow cut to my wrists. There was blood. I started cutting more. [A] discovered this and mocked me. I did not oppose him when he told the class. The woman(B) I like commented:
Are those scars there because you tried to kill yourself hahaha That is not ok please get help
I denied this. The next time [A] told our class about the events she said to me:
You are a terrible liar. I know you cut yourself and I hope you cut deeper next time.
I did not respond.
Later, I attempted underage drinking.
Down
I was participating in mandatory volleyball. [A] spanked me after I erred. I did not retaliate. A stranger(C) imitated him. I tackled him down to the grass. Classmates were shocked: "what are you doing faggot'. A female classmate(B) initiated rumors on my sexuality.
A couple weeks later, [C]'s locker area was messy. Food crumbs were in front of mine. Classmates told me: "this is none of your business. It is his locker". My boundaries were once again violated. I could not control what was in front of me. The janitor moved his bag inside. I remember this moment vividly. [C] exclaimed: "Who moved my bag?" He saw me and ran. I tackled [C] and placed him in a choke hold.
The authorities gave me a warning. I was feared instead of isolated.
We started our baseball unit in gym. The teacher made me and [B] carry equipment. [A] followed us. Suddenly, [A] held me while [B] struck me with the bat 6 times. I cut myself again. There was no response this time.
Snippets
Revenge Isekai
Every day after school or during break, I would read revenge isekai on my ereader. I remember pretending to be Keyaru from Redo of Healer, fighting back against my bullies. The teacher asked me what I was reading. I was too ashamed to respond. In the real world, I was mocked frozen, but in my fantasies I was never humiliated.
The structure goes something like this if you arent familiar:
Betrayal -> Humiliation -> Powerlessness -> Sudden reversal -> Total dominance over abusers.
's Brother
In Period One, there was the girl who called me out for her behavior. I talked with her alot before she said this. She had a brother, he also hated that nonbinary from earlier. I talked to her brother online, but we never met.
Elsewhere
References
In my garden
Notes that link to this note (AKA backlinks).