On Holding On To Feelings

* philosophy journal mustread ethics work

Personal, Unpublished

[2025-11-26 Wed]

Intro

This is a journal entry I wrote at school in [Book 0]. I don’t let feelings leave when they're supposed to.

One

They stay long after the environment ends. Disgraceful moments will repeat in my head. This is not "analyzing" or "overthinking". The brain is circling the same memory in the hope it will change into something less humiliating or lonely.

These feelings are not "deep". They are [stuck]¹. They are not proof of sensitivity, but rather incompletion. They hover in the [middle]² space where i keep trying to extract a lesson, validation ,or [symmetry]³ instead one-sidedness.

Trace Log

During 3rd period [Someone?]⁴ confronted me about the suicide-related post on my snap story

This thought has been replaying in my head. I am now more conscious about what I post.

Or when

A while ago I said "top 10 goon sessions" in the geography group chat.

People screenshotted it and repeated it to me

I became more worried about what I post.

Two

I do not think it is obsession. It is the fear that if I let the feeling [stay]⁵ and fade without making [sense]⁶ of it. I never [mattered]⁷. Releasing it is a kind of emotional [failure]⁸, as if closure will only come after completion. So i loop and polish it.

Three

I think that [thoughts]⁹ are akin to a [Pandoras Box]¹⁰ of sorts: once opened, they are done. Archived and left to […]¹¹. Holding onto them creates unnecessary stress. The past is not malleable, and it does not define the [present]¹². It is possible to acknowledge a thought arising without guarding it. Progression requires forward motion, it makes no sense to prove the past happening. I am not trying to erase anything or coerce myself into 'moving on', but simply [separating]¹³ the event from the [interpretation]¹⁴ and see things as they are. This allows me to create distance between my processes(feelings/thoughts) and files(memories/events), making the raw memory neutral [data]¹⁵, minimizing self-judgment and improving emotional regulation . This allows [flexibility] ¹⁶ and lets me update [interpretations] ¹⁷.

Elsewhere

References

In my garden

Notes that link to this note (AKA backlinks).

Footnotes:

Stuck: A memory or feeling that continues to exert internal system pressure because it has not been fully acknowledged or discharged via Controlled Release Engine or withdrawal.

When is say this, i mean when the moment is over and the conversation is finished. But the emotional weight is suspended.

Symmetry: applying consistent internal rules or responses to analogous events to maintain structural integrity and predictability.

⁴

Someone?: An agent i have not confirmed the identity of .

⁵

Stay: persistence of an internal signal or feeling within the system without executing impulses, requiring structured observation.

⁶

Sense: the system’s processing to assign meaning to an impulse or memory; may include tagging, archiving, or labeling according to ruleset logic.

⁷

Mattered: perceived significance in the system; value is acknowledged for record-keeping or calibration, not for ego-driven validation.

⁸

Failure: when an internal signal is neither discharged nor archived according to protocol, creating residual pressure.

⁹

Thoughts: active internal processes (programs) that read, query, or simulate scenarios from memory files without external action.

¹⁰

Pandoras Box: a thought pattern that, once accessed, triggers cascading processes; the system monitors these without interference or impulsive execution.

¹¹

… memory left in passive storage; acknowledged but not acted on, analogous to archived files in the internal system.

¹²

Present: current operational state of the system, distinct from archived memory or active thought simulations.

¹³

Seperating: isolating memory files from interpretive labels and associated emotional signals to allow independent processing and structural clarity.

¹⁴

Interpretation: metadata or ruleset-assigned label that attaches meaning or evaluation to a memory; can be revised without altering the memory itself.

¹⁵

Data: raw memory content treated as neutral informational input for internal evaluation, without triggering reactive loops.

¹⁶

Flexibility: ability of the system to update metadata, labels, or rules applied to memories without violating internal order.

¹⁷

Interpretations: the assigned metadata or conclusions that can be updated in accordance with system coherence and minimal positive function.